By Joey Faucette
You know more today about Elliott Spitzer’s marriage than his wife did. That’s a scary thought if you’re her, and also probably for you. Do you wonder about your own marriage?
Everything seemed fine to everyone around the Spitzers, maybe like it does to everyone around you. After all, who could ask for anything more? Money, prestige, power-the Spitzers had it all, right? If that’s true, then why did their marriage “Spitz Out?” And how did it get so out of control? (Call girls?) All of which begs the question you’re asking: “How can I keep my marriage from Spitzing Out?”
Having coached thousands of couples over three decades as a Marriage Coach, some of whom have had affairs, Dr. Joey Faucette says most wives and husbands want to stay married, but just don’t know how to consistently keep their marriage vital and alive. They struggle with how to recover from relationship rips that tear at the heart of the marriage. The necessary healing never happens, their affections alienate, and they Spitz Out.
Like you, they’re just not sure how to do Marriage CPR and avoid Spitzing Out.
There are some common characteristics that successful couples live into to perform CPR on their marriage. You can learn and live these tips daily so your marriage doesn’t Spitz Out.
THE FIRST TIP: CONSERVE YOUR MARRIAGE
The heart of your marriage requires that both of you conserve your marriage just as carefully as the paramedics try to conserve your heart muscle and get it beating again when you suffer a heart attack.
How do you conserve your marriage’s heart like successful couples do?
You make your relationship with your spouse a priority, of primary importance, first place among all of the other relationships. You take care of your marriage relationship first before you do anything else, making sure that it’s beating enough to sustain the life of your marriage.
What does this look like in your everyday world?
Basically it means you don’t give all of your “best self,” your energy and attention to other relationships such as work. You Conserve your energy and attention so that when you come home at the end of the day, you have lots of your “best self” to share with your spouse.
When you give away your primary energy and attention to work or some other relationship, you replace your marriage as the priority relationship in your world. You commit emotional adultery, giving away to another without conserving enough of you to share with your spouse at the end of the day.
How do you know when you’re in an emotionally adulterous affair with work? Answer these questions honestly:
1. How many days a week do I work so intensely that I can’t carry my end of a conversation with my spouse?
2. How many weeks do I work more than 45 hours?
3. How many months have passed since I planned a special evening or get-away weekend with my spouse-just the two of us?
Your answers to these questions aren’t intended to create a paralyzing guilt, but a motivating drive to change your habits. Your choices are:
a. conserve time, energy, and attention for your spouse, or;
b. Spitz Out!
As with any form of CPR, your immediate attention increases the survival rate. Don’t delay by wondering if you’re having an emotional adulterous affair with work or someone else. If your answers create even a suspicion you might be, act now like there is no tomorrow. What can you do to conserve your marriage?
Try these immediate actions:
1. Conserve your energy and attention today. Let others own their situations and problems.
2. If you’ve worked too much this week, take off early Friday afternoon and do something fun.
3. Call your spouse right now and plan an experience for just the two of you.
The first way not to Spitz Out in your marriage and stay married is to Conserve energy and attention for your marriage, treating your spouse as if he or she is your most important relationship. The C in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Conserve energy and attention.
THE SECOND TIP: PRESERVE YOUR MARRIAGE
Do you remember how when you were dating, your spouse took your breath away?
When you decide not to Spitz Out so you have a healthy Marriage, you Preserve certain qualities in your relationship that you found so appealing when you were dating. You breathe life from your dating days back into your marriage.
Just as CPR for the body requires restarting the heart, your marriage Conserves and the heart beats again. Next, just as CPR breathes new breath into the lungs, so you Preserve your marriage with a new breath of life.
Your daily life seems intent on knocking the breath out of your marriage at times, doesn’t it? There’s so much that hits you marked “Urgent” or “Important” whether it’s at work or at home. Fending off these blows is critical to not Spitzing Out in your marriage.
Here’s how you can fend off those blows that knock the breath of your marriage and breathe life back into your relationship by Preserving your marriage:
1. If you sent your then-girlfriend-now-wife flowers at work on the monthly anniversary of your first date and she loved it, send her flowers at work on the monthly anniversary of your wedding or first date for a few months. I promise-she hasn’t forgotten what you did while you were dating!
2. If you played golf with your then-boyfriend-now-husband at least one weekend a month while dating, do it again. If it’s been awhile since you two played together, be prepared to call 9-1-1, but he’ll recover. He hasn’t forgotten what you did for him while dating!
Couples far too often relax after saying “I do,” almost as if they say, “I’m done.” They date each other hard, then put up the relationship as if they were finished trying. Breathe back into your marriage relationship those dating qualities that you remember and cherish. Get them out of your head as memories and into your everyday world as marriage savers.
The second way to not Spitz Out in your marriage and do CPR on your marriage is to Preserve your dating qualities in your relationship. Successful couples discover it prevents you from smiling and dialing call girls. The P in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Preserve great qualities.
THE THIRD TIP: RESERVE YOUR MARRIAGE
Once you Conserve the heart of your marriage by making it the most important relationship you’re in, and once you Preserve the breath of your marriage by breathing those dating qualities back into your marriage, then you are ready to Resuscitate your marriage. You Reserve time to live a great married life.
The time vampires constantly fly around your home, just waiting for a chance to suck the minutes out of your marriage. And the choices aren’t always between “good” and “bad” things, but often it’s between “good, better, and best.”
When you do CPR on your marriage, you Reserve time for what’s best for your relationship with your spouse. Now the obvious times to reserve are anniversaries and birthdays. Successful couples that don’t Spitz Out do more than the obvious. Be creative. Here are four ideas you can implement almost immediately.
1. Celebrate the anniversary of your first date. Talk about what you remember of it. If you have children at home, tell them the story of your first date-at least the parts you want them to know about right now.
2. Reserve time for each other at least three evenings a week to talk. Your conversation doesn’t have to be “heavy” navel-gazing. It can be about who you saw or spoke to today that you haven’t seen in a while or what you ate for lunch that was delicious. Just communicate.
3. Reserve time and plan a date night weekly.
4. Reserve time to celebrate spontaneously by planning “Just Because” experiences. Every couple of months or so, have a “Happy Tuesday” celebration for no reason other than it’s a Tuesday.
Time is a non-renewable resource. Once you spend it, that minute is gone. There is no second chance to recycle. Invest your greatest asset-time-in your marriage relationship.
The third way to avoid a Spitz Out in your marriage and stay married is to Reserve time for your relationship with your spouse. Successful couples find it keeps your intimacy delightfully intense at home. The R in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Reserve time.
START YOUR MARRIAGE CPR TODAY!
Don’t Spitz Out. Do CPR on your marriage:
1. Conserve the heart of your energy and attention for your spouse,
2. Preserve your dating qualities and breathe those into your marriage, and;
3. Resuscitate your Marriage by Reserving time to for each other,
and live hapily ever after!
Marriage Coach Dr. Joey Faucette has helped thousands of couples over the last three decades to avoid the emotional and financial devastation of divorce and discover the satisfaction and stimulation of Staying Married Forever. You go to the C.O.R.E. of your marriage when you live into the joy of Conflict resolution, the strength of how Opposites attract, the understanding of your Relevant issues, and the pleasure that comes with knowing how to Express yourself.
Go deep into the C.O.R.E. of your marriage with Dr. Joey Faucette through Couple Coaching, the Ultimate At-Home Study Course, teleseminars, and other effective Stay Married Forever resources. Go to http://www.StayMarriedForever.org
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